Recap

One of the speakers on my computer blew out. It's beyond irritating because my computer is my main source for everything...i've been meaning to go get it fixed, but the idea of going to a Mac store and explaining what's going on is deterring me from making any moves.

I gave my Eat Pray Love book to a Korean man who's trying to learn English.  I'm interested to hear what he thinks.

Korea went from normal weather to Antarctica in 1 night.  You can feel cold bearing down on you, but apparently this is nothing compared to what's coming.  Winters here are brutal so i've heard....

....I can't figure out how to use my heater. Evidently all apartments have this incredible/fantastic/oh so magical radiant heat, but I can't figure out how to turn mine on. I fidget with the buttons, noises come from the walls - then nothing. I thought I had it figured out once, but in actuality i'd turned off my hot water. I'll continue to try. 

Finally went to the doctor on Tuesday after trying to tackle this cold with tenacity and water for the last 2 weeks. She listened to my chest, said something about "severe....blah blah blah....bronchitis.....blah blah...antibiotics....blah blah blah blah...no drinking...."

This weekend is Halloween.....

She prescribed 5 different pills that i'm to take 4 times a day...and cough medicine.  This pretty much epitomizes the excessive nature of Korea.  So far no change and the small creature taking up residence in my chest is still sitting comfortably. The pills do make my ears ring/make me nauseous/make me feel like i'm going to pass out...so they must be working? 

A person dressed in a oversized Garfield costume came into the elevator with me today.  It didn't come close to phasing me as much as it should have - i'm becoming desensitized.  

Is it normal to send your kid to school with a surgical mask on? Is it still a surgical mask if Hello Kitty is on the front of it? Would a doctor wear a Hello Kitty surgical mask? Does Hello Kitty wear a surgical mask? These are all questions I have after seeing half my class come to school wearing these each morning. 

Cat Class has started speaking English.  I don't have much to report on this other than they use "mommy and daddy" to describe just about everything - plants, animals, portions of food, amounts, sizes..etc.  They also mimic everything I say, so I can no longer get away with cursing under my breath or aloud.  Last week they broke out in a "jesus christ" mimic/chant...fortunately stars and stickers still hold a lot of value to them.  "Lydia teacher will give 3 stars and a STICKER to whoever can sit nicely and be quiet!"

Tomorrow is Reggio's Halloween party.  I'm dressing as a cat. 

Happy

Talent is talent. You can't put an age on brilliance and the members of Cat Class have shown a considerable amount of natural ability in the art department, specifically self portraits. Using crayons as a medium, on standard 8x11inch white paper, these miniature Michelangelos showed what true beauty and emotion looks like.

David's interpretation of  a happy face looks more confused than anything.  I do like the fact that he incorporated jewelry into his piece. The pink necklace really adds some pop. 

JiAhn has a very realistic self portrait here....realistic if she was a 50 year old man with no nose and male pattern baldness. 

I sent a copy of this to New Line Cinema and they're developing a horror movie based on this drawing.  They're thinking seriously about a multi-movie deal, something along the lines of Freddie Krueger or Candy Man.  Could potentially be called Zipper Mouth. 

Because who wouldn't be happy with 2 mouths and ears right beside their eyeballs?  Also note Ryan's name in the top right corner of the drawing.  The R and the Y in the middle are pretty solid, but the A at the beginning and the N at the end could use a little bit of work.  Practice practice, little buddy. 

WoongJay's picture is pretty solid.  The facial features are in the correct place, for the most part, and he's even jazzed up his guy with some facial hair.  What gets me about this picture are the drawn on tracheotomy scars on the front of the throat, which he circled and pointed out when he brought the drawing up to me. He pointed at the two black lines and the dot, beamed with pride, then walked away.  WoongJay is happy when he has a carton of Camels?  I'm still a bit confused how that equates to happiness, but he knows, so i'm diggin it. 

Brian is a perfectionist.  He gets super embarrassed whenever he thinks he's done something wrong or not well enough.  As I was walking around checking on the kids drawings,  Brian frantically covered his up and began crying. I felt bad that he was so upset, so I threw away his first draft without even looking at it and gave him a fresh piece of paper so he could start over.  When he finished, he happily walked up to me with this drawing, like "yeah thisss is what is was going for." I"m sure this is far superior to his first.  Orange cheeks and a mouth around the neck, true signs of happiness. 

I really don't know what to say about this picture because every time I look at it I start laughing.   Literally i'm sitting in my apartment right now...alone...and laughing.  Jessica really took the teeth thing to heart. God bless her.  The more I look at this, I feel that it could also be a contender for the main character in a horror movie.

Personal. Space.

Seoul is a crowded place. Most numbers say something around 12 million people in Seoul proper and nearly 25 million including the surrounding area.  With that amount of people living and working here it's no surprise that you sometimes feel like you're in a human sardine can.  Being that it's crazy crowded you'd think people would take steps to lesson the congestion, or make it a little more bearable, but unfortunately they don't, they often do things to make it worse.

The Fievel Goes West Incident
Anyone who's seen the childhood classic will most likely remember the scene in which Fievel and Tiger are walking towards each other in the middle of the desert, but they both assume what they see is a mirage, so they continue on in different directions.  The same thing happened to me, except that I was walking on a street, not the desert....and instead of just passing by, this 35 year old Korean dude plowed into me like a freight train...and instead of continuing in my own direction, I whipped around and screamed "are you serious?!?" I was basically hugging the edge of the sidewalk and this man's unnecessary contact had me tumbling into the street.  So the only real correlation this story has to the Fievel scene is the fact that I was walking in the opposite direction of another individual....

This happened on my way to school, and let me just say that those sort of things really put a damper on the morning.  Calmly walking, listening to my ipod and some d bag in a shiny suit sends me into a rage before I even step foot in Reggio.  Hope your computer got a virus and crashed, guy.

In Da Club
There is no such thing as maximum occupancy in Korea.  In night clubs/bars they pack in as many bodies as possible.  There have been a couple times where I felt myself beginning to panic because I literally could not move.  Situations like these aren't conducive with a fun night out. Wanna get a drink? Forget it. Wanna make your way to the other side of the club? Not gonna happen. Ohh you need to use the bathroom? Pull a cat class and pee your pants, cause there's a better chance you'll make it into Area 51.  The one thing you can do is dance--just be prepared to feel like you're freak dancing random Korean strangers on all sides of you.  Boys and girls.  Don't get me wrong, going out in Seoul is a blast.  I would know,  I behave like a 16 year old who has just discovered alcohol whenever i'm out in this fair city--but the ticket is to stay near exits and go to places where they don't pride themselves on making their night clubs into an oversized version of a clown car.

5-7pm Subway Rides
Millions and millions of people use these trains everyday and I happen to live right by the station where the 2 most heavily used subway lines intersect.  Unbelievably convenient 95% of the time, but unbelievably hectic/chaotic/nightmarish the other 5%.  Earlier this week I had to get to the other side of the city right after school, smack in the middle of rush hour.  At this point I still didn't comfortable shoving my way through groups of people to get to a good spot inside the car and I made the unfortunate mistake of standing right beside the sliding door.  When we made our first stop, I realized just how badly I had fucked up.  Not only was I being thrown around like a rag doll by people shuffling off and on the train, but an ajuma gave me a kidney check with her elbow, got around me, stepped on my toe and then looked at me like I was the one in the wrong.  No thoughts of elderly respect were going through my mind at that particular moment.  The whole time we were at this stop I was standing there with my hands in the air, like I was about to get arrested, saying "ok, ok, ok, alright, yeah, ohh k, ahh, ok."  Safe to say i've been a little more aggressive when jockeying for position since then.

Some of my friends have described it as "Korea Rage".  Others have dubbed it "I hate Korea days".  Whatever you call it, it all stems from the same place, the overwhelming need for some personal space and some common courtesy.  Most of the time it's not even a factor, but on the days where I just don't want to be touched, pulled, moved, shoved, bumped, honked at or nearly hit by a scooter, it's literally enough to drive me crazy.  Thank god I don't have those days often, because I highly doubt the Reggio administration would be stoked about having to find a substitute teacher for an employee spending some time in jail.

Are you sure that's what you want to say?

Got some more mistranslated gems and a couple conversation flub ups that had me laughing pretty hard.

"One Shot. One Kill. Genuine Rapid Complete Dominance." -  This was on a hat worn by an old man in the subway...the hat also had a skull and crossbones. I couldn't tell if it was a real military hat or one you buy in the subway...at any rate...i'm very impressed with all the adjectives they used to describe dominance. Authentic, fast, thorough dominance is always a must. 

"Always make leave with happy" - This was a little sign behind the register at a dumpling place by my apartment.  It seems like a reminder better suited for a massage parlor, but i'll take it.  

"If you're happy and you know it crap your hands" - Listening to Korean co-teachers butcher childhood songs was difficult at first, but now I just sit back and enjoy.  We're still working on correcting the "i'm a little teapot short and sprout" mistake...teaching adults is harder than teaching children. No joke.   

"Vintage Ank  12345678910" This is in big block letters on a shirt that I bought at a bus station.  More than anything it'll help with my lesson planning.  Grammar mistakes for the intensive kids and numbers for cat class. 

"Hey Lena where are we going for the field trip this month? All the itineraries are in Korean."

"Mmm we go to poultry factory."

"Come again?"

"Yeah we take kids to poultry factory." 

"I'm sorry. We are taking the kids where??? A poultry factory? You can't be serious."

"Yeah. Poultry factory...you know? Where you make cray?"

"Ahhhh. A pottery factory. Where you make things out of clay. Got it. Cool. Thanks Lena."

"Original Bigot" - Cause what is a bigot if not original? This was on a shirt of a college student in the subway.  I was curious if he spoke English, so I tried asking him a question and he ran away.  I'm gonna assume that he doesn't know what the shirt means

"No matter how smart you are. You spend most of your day being an idiot." - This little tid bit is on a notebook that I bought from a stationary store.  Nothing like a little insult to inspire the mind.  

"The today that you wasted is the tomorrow a dying person wished to live." This is also on a notebook that I bought.  I was laughing about it one day and my co-teacher looked and said "yeah very famous quote in Korea" So i'm assuming this is their version of "seize the day"...? 

My Big Fat Korean Wedding

Everyone who's been here for a significant period of time has said "you have to go to a Korean wedding" or "no seriously, you MUST go to a Korean wedding" or "if you're up for some entertainment, go to a Korean wedding".  What they should have said, "if you feel like going to a twilight zone of weird ceremonious nuptial reality, go to a Korean wedding".  This last Sunday...I went to a Korean wedding.

Saturday night there was a big DJ festival in Seoul called Global Gathering.  I'm not a huge music buff, but Justice, Armin Van Buren and Fat Boy Slim were there, and unless you're a 20 something year old who's been living under a rock for the past few years, you've heard of at least one of them.  The concert was a blast, but it basically ended with me trying to pull a UCSB freshman move and attempting to get a random Korean to bike me home double...this individual was not at the concert...he was simply passing by on an early morning bike ride...obviously with a helmet.  Thankfully he had the sense to call me a taxi.  So when 2pm on Sunday rolled around, it's safe to say that I wasn't in the best shape.  However, Grace is one of my favorite co-teachers and I really wanted to show support on her wedding day (and to see what all this Korean wedding buzz was about).

Saying hello to the beautiful bride before the wedding 

As we walked up to the wedding hall at Seoul National University, it was a very familiar scene, people gathered out front, flowers, photos of the happy couple, members of the wedding party greeting people as they arrived.  In the entrance we ran into a few of our other Korean co-teachers and they quickly asked if we wanted to go say hi to Grace.  I was excited, but also a little shocked, at American weddings you don't see the bride until they make their way down the aisle, the 'ohh and ahh' moment, but not here, it's kinda all out there from the get go and I didn't realize then that this would be the 'ohh and ahh' moment of the wedding.

After saying hello to Grace and gushing about how beautiful she looked, we made our way to our seats. The wedding hall itself is like a mix between a movie theater and a vegas chapel.  Steely blue chiffon draped over all the walls, tall vases with colorful flowers lining the aisle, and a baby grand piano beside the alter.  The ceremony began with the mothers, dressed in traditional hanboks, walking down towards tables set out on either side of the alter, the bride and grooms fathers already seated comfortably.  When the mothers were halfway down the to their seats, the crowd burst out into applause, I looked around to see what I was missing, then realized we were applauding the mothers and I followed suit.  Next came the groom and Grace, arm in arm.  Once again applause, but the thing that really set this entrance apart from American weddings was the lack of attention paid to the bride.  Everyone around us was casually chatting and carrying conversation, while clapping and occasionally glancing up at the couple making their way towards the front.  As I quickly learned, that chatter would be a constant fixture of this wedding ceremony.  Along with the talking, people were texting and you got the sense that no one really viewed this as a monumental event, or something that should have the undivided attention of everyone in the room.  I'd been warned about this behavior, but I didn't think that grown adults would have the attention span of Cat Class while these two people made vows to love and cherish each other for the rest of eternity.

The flight attendant directing the moms down the aisle 

All the guests treating these nuptials like a mandatory work meeting was one thing, but the bizarre airline flight attendant guides were another.  Since they fire off about 5 weddings a day in these halls, they don't do any sort of dress rehearsal, so there were 2 ladies dressed in beige, guiding the bride and grooms every move.  Seriously leading them every step of the way with hand gestures and comments, which i'm sure were something along the lines of "now, if you take a step to the left you'll find the alter...."  These ladies really did bring the impersonal vibe, and to think...they're going to be in every photo...hmmph.  Once the speaker was done, the flight  attendants escorted the bride and groom to the baby grand, where a man and a woman were waiting with microphones.  There, Grace and her new husband stood silently while the duet serenaded them with a heartfelt Korean love ballad.  All I could think during those minutes was "this is my nightmare...this is completely and utterly my nightmare."  It's not that it wasn't beautiful, it really was, but anyone who knows me is aware of my disdain for live singing of this sort.  It's just so uncomfortable and awkward....please no eye contact.

After the ceremony I was obviously very excited about the bouquet toss, we all were.  I was all but taking my heals off and stretching to get ready for this moment when one of the other Korean teachers told us that Grace had already selected who the bouquet was going to.  I thought momentarily that maybe they meant that we were all just going to pretend try for it, but let some other chick get it, but no, the tradition in Korean is to select one person to throw the bouquet to, just one.  As it goes, the person who catches the bouquet has to get married in 3 months or else they won't get married for 3 years or something like that.  I was still disappointed, but when I heard about the strings that were attached to that bouquet I got over it a little.

More than anything this wedding was an experience.  It was really interesting to see how different a Korean interpretation of a western wedding is from an actual western wedding.  There were certain things that I found very odd, but there are things that I find very odd with whatever I do here in Korea.  Overall it was entertaining and fun, but most importantly the bride and groom looked very happy together.  I guess it doesn't matter how ya do it, the end product is the same, so thank you and nothing but the best of luck to the happy couple.

Shota and Christina.  Two member of Grace's Koala Class.  For some reason Shota reminds me of Jack from Titanic in that outfit.  Look closely...you'll see it. 

Eat Pra...ok you're getting on my nerves

I tried. I really did.  A big part of me really wanted to enjoy Eat Pray Love, truly. The other part of me secretly hoped i'd hate it.  On one hand it seemed like a good book to read when going through a rough patch and facing a sizable transition.  On the other hand, I felt like this memoir is a really small step away from being a self help book, and if I did seriously enjoy it, would I immediately be put in the category of people who think that reading about a strangers trials of loss and love gives them some sort of real life wisdom.  Can one find inner happiness by reading about Elizabeth Gilbert's "search for everything across Italy, India and Indonesia"?  Maybe some people can, but all I found was a high level of annoyance mixed with a serious desire to tell this broad to stop her whining.

I get it. Divorce is tough.  But how many pages do you have to talk about crying on the floor, or drowning in your sea of depression and sorrow? Obviously this was the set up for the rest of the book, a way to show how down and out she was before she embarked on this courageous journey to find herself, and to show just amazing it was that the clouds parted and she was, shocker, able to find love again (I actually didn't make it that far in the book...i'm just assuming by the whole "love" part).  I understand that it needed to be said, but seriously? THAT much?  Within the first 30 pages I wanted to yell at her for being so stupidly selfish and tell her to go talk to some people with real problems, put things into perspective.  As it continued I just found myself getting more and more frustrated.  I couldn't stop thinking 'what is the god damn problem, Liz?' Her editor finances a one year...let me repeat ONE YEAR trip around the world and all she does is piss and moan. While in Rome, on her editors dime, eating whatever she wants, and doing whatever she want, which is exactly what she wanted in the first place, she paints a picture of this weird almost sorta victim -- like i'm going to feel sorry for this chick?

As much as she irked me in Rome, she really started to make me angry when she got to India.  All the details are fuzzy, being that i've been averaging maybe a half chapter a week since I got here (I could only deal with about 3 pages before I started thinking about writing her hate mail) but the whole part about her climbing some tower and having a fake conversation with her ex husband, who was still in  NY, sent me over the edge.  I'm really sure you did that Liz, i'm really really sure you climbed up some tower and had a conversation with your ex husband, and you found closure. And then you did a hand stand. No. I don't buy it.  This was one of those things that goes into a story when someone already knows they have a book deal.  I can see it now...Liz G...just sitting there trying to figure out how to make the book more appealing and whimsical for her audience..."oh i've got an idea...i'll say i climbed a tower and spoke to my ex through telepathy and then i'll say I did a handstand...that'd make me sound super enlightened."  That is when I'd had enough, right around the 60th 'bead'.  

The only redeeming quality of this book, for me, was Richard, the character from Texas, who may have been fake as well, but at least she did a good job concocting his quotes and intricacies.  Although I did not enjoy it, I do want to say thank you to my step dad for getting this book for me. I know I expressed interest in reading it, and it was very thoughtful of you to surprise me with it before I left, so thank you.  That aside, I would like to say to all the people who enjoyed this book and encouraged me to read it (Emily) I will most likely never take book suggestions from you again.  Finally, I will now find someone who is trying to learn English, and give this book to them as a gift, not only for their practice of the language, but maybe, just maybe it will be more to them then it was to me, after all, I obviously am in the minority for hating it.  

Surprise

When deciding to come to Korea I have to admit that I didn't think about this whole teaching thing as much as I should have.  Sure I got my certification and Googled little tid bits on teaching ESL, but I never really thought about the things that could/would happen when teaching kids this age.  The first couple weeks I was constantly surprised by how helpless they are. The vomiting and the peeing were shocking at first, but now I've come to understand that it comes with the territory.  I may have accepted those things as part of the job, but I can honestly say that cleaning up poopy pants was not something I signed up for and after this incident i'm thinking about renegotiating my contract to include some sort of hazard pay.  There has got to be some sort of bonus for dealing with the trifecta of disgusting bodily fluid messes before your 2 month mark.      

Silence is a frightening thing when teaching kindergartners.  There is comfort in the constant noise and movement of children.  When they sit completely still, without fidgeting, and become silent it tells me that they are A) doing something they shouldn't be doing B) choking C) peeing and/or vomiting on themselves or as I learned last week D) pooping their pants.

It all happened during outside play last Wednesday.  A couple of the boys were kicking a basketball around the grass and the girls were playing in the little house making pies out of dirt and mud.  I was "eating" a pretend mud cake when I looked over to see Brian standing in the corner of the playground, silent, focused and still.  I stood up and walked towards him, calmly saying his name.  After beckoning him 5 or so times with no response I began running across the grass, I'd seen this look before and it was the one kids have right before they pee their pants.  I was hopeful that if I hurried I could get him to the bathroom in time.  When I reached him I semi frantically said "Bathroom Brian?! Potty?! Pee Pee?!" he shock his head yes and I grabbed his hand and took off.  As we ran into the school and into the bathroom he said "teacher help", which gave me more hope that if we got him situated quickly everything would be fine...but no....no no....dear god no.

The details of the clean-up don't need to be told, but I will say that I thought seriously about turning a blind eye, telling him to get dressed and sending him back out to the playground, poop and all.  I thought that maybe my co-teacher would make the unfortunate mistake of taking him to the bathroom later in the day...at which point I would have played dumb and let her deal with the mess. I thought about this, I really did. You're welcome Lena. 

Since coming here I can say that the pee and the vomit I can understand and I completely excuse, but i'm having some trouble accepting this poopy pants business.  This kid can speak English.  He knows how to ask for the bathroom, he knows how these things work and judging by his face this took focus.  His speaking capability coupled with this focus factor leads me to believe that this may have been a choice.  As if he decided that pooping his pants was a better option then leaving the wonderland that is the Reggio playground. Hell with all the balls flying around, everyone screaming and running, I guess I understand why he had that determined look in his eye....this was no easy feat.  Whether this was an achievement to be congratulated or just shotty decision making, you just have to wonder what goes through a kids head when they choose to hold up in the corner of the playground and drop one. I guess I'll continue to wonder. One thing I know for sure is that if this ever happens again...nose goes Lena.